Wandering & Wondering

It was hard to continue to be his friend.  He had made it clear that he didn’t want anything more from me then my friendship and that he didn’t look at me in that way.  Was it his fault that I had a huge crush on him?  Should I penalize him and our friendship b/c I couldn’t handle hearing about his ex-girls and how “hot & exciting” his latest crush was?
I didn’t know what to do, so I sucked it up and pretended.  Pretended that the conversation we had last week never took place. Pretended like the sight of him never affected me.  It was hard given his bubbly personality and the fact that he valued our friendship so much.
It was an unlikely friendship in the first place.  Fundamentally alike, but as different as you can get, black/white, female/male, urban street smarts/sheltered country boy and yet, he never will understand how much she opened up to him.  how she took risks with him that she never took with anybody else.  How he made her pause and say to herself, “don’t hide behind that wall” open it up.
So how could she continue to look at him, day after day?  It was supposed to get better.  It was supposed to fade away, but it got worse.  There was no going back now.  She couldn’t lose him as a friend.  he was too integral in her life, but she couldn’t continue to be his friend b/c the inside longing was worse.  At times he would catch the wistfulness on her face, ask “what’s wrong, you know you can tell me” but she stopped.  She had already told him once how she felt.  she didn’t want to remember how embarrassed and exposed she felt as he said there was no chemistry?
No chemistry?  None?  I always wanted to ask, how did he feel when he saw me.  Did he dream about touching me?  was he, like me, having dreams of passionate kisses exchanged b/c suddenly w/ that look, they both knew?
my exposure left me cold, shivering without a chemical blanket