I couldn’t shake the feeling that something big was on the horizon. I couldn’t understand why I felt the need to remember. To go back and reread old emails, notes, letters from formers. To remember his smile, the way he laughed and his voice which to this day still makes me shiver remembering how he whispered get on top. Was I in a mode of comparison? Was I setting myself up for something new? Was it just still my damn frustration at not understanding the new and lacking understanding of what he wanted from me. I tried to stop contacting him when it was clear his interest was really in my mind and not my body. I couldn’t tell if we were on some weird spiritual plane or if I was just emotionally open and he was just available. I had a tendency to rush in headfirst emotionally and this damn promise to keep celibate literally caused me to burn up my vibrator. I might be the only person in the world to have shorted out her hitachi wand.
But it was the memory of his words that kept me coming back. Words showcasing the quickness of his mind. Words showing how he wanted to explore new concepts, new ideas. It got me everytime. But I wanted more. I wanted to find out how he smelled behind his ears when I sat across his lap. Would his tongue be soft and mushy? Would it explore mine and be playful? Would he be rough or would he not get into it at all? I wanted to feel his hands on my waist. We hadn’t even hugged each other yet. I didn’t even know how I would stack up against his body.
It was the damn dreams getting me into trouble. I dreamed of him. Dreams of him and me on beaches skinny dipping. Dreams of he and I at a broom closet at work. Dreams of how our skin would complement each other. And then it happened. It was it was horrible. There was no mixing of minds and pleasure to be had. From the moment he kissed me it felt as if I left my body. There were no secrets shared, no laughter at someone one of did naked and the actual sex. Everything was in working order, but someone had told him in an out was a good stroke and even though he was well past the age of 30 he never learned any different. This was going to be work. Work to show him that licking down my back will get me to pop my legs open faster than sticking a finger and mashing my clit. My only saving grace was my good acting skills and that he came quickly and had little re-up.