Wandering & Wondering

he answered in response to my question “What are your passions?” I was taken aback. What was I expecting? Something deeper and more cerebal like family, God and working with orphan children in the Appalachins? In a way these were my passions to – cooking and the enjoyment of food, mentally dueling with people and everything sexual. Although I would have to include my love of music and the written word!
I laughed as he asked me about my comment that we were a lot alike. “Why?” he persisted. “Because we are,” I replied. We both feed off of other people’s energies. He off of the females that literally fell at his feet and me off of the men who wanted to know my secrets.
I am not quite sure why I insisted we grab a drink after the event. Maybe it was my vanity and my need to see what was really ticking in his brain. Maybe it was because I remembered his confidence from our first meeting.
We walked along the city streets receiving stares from the tourists. Not only were we both attractive, young and black dressed in our suits. We looked like the ultimate power couple. with our portfolios tucked under our arms. Over beers and vodka tonics we both pushed not to share our intimate selves, but revealing more than either of us wanted to reveal. Me, frightened of emotional intimacy, sharing little and him sharing nothing more then what he thinks I want to hear. It was funny how we both revealed more than we hoped for.
He surprised me by trying to make me open up. He knocked aside the table and forced me to face his eyes as he pounded me with quesiton after question. I kept up a good fight. Little did he know that all I wanted to do was tell him everything. Tell him everything that kept my mind racing at night. Tell him about my inconsistencies, my doubts and more of my fears. I wanted nothing more then to lay in his arms and have him tell me that everything would be alright. instinctively I knew that he wouldn’t be frightened, but i fell back into my old pattern of keeping everything inside.
Hungry for foor and more conversation we meandered over to where our color and our suits would make us welcome. Greeted by the name on the restaurant herself, I felt we were a fraud. I could see the approval of the other diners of a young, successful black couple in love. but we weren’t. in fact we laughed over the fact that women always fell in love w/ him and men always fell in love with me.
what was it we were both looking for? my greatest fear was that I had already fallen for his charms. From our last meeting when he gripped me up to say his apologizes. or maybe it was my girl whispering in my ear – gurl he is fine, you better grab that. or it was watching him at the party and the way women approached him. it fascinated me.
the more we talked, the more I realized that our thought processes wrapped around each other. that frightened me even more. was it just my overactive imagination? cuz I definitely wasn’t lacking for male company, sex, snuggle or otherwise. Was it just he pushed my mental beyond where it had been.
I knew the sex between us would be amazing. The combination of the sexual energy, the mental connection and the fact that we were both freaks would leave us feeling breathless. The fact that I would match him stroke for stroke, position for position, lick for lick it was a given. it would only be a question of how many times I would come. But I knew that I couldn’t have casual sex with him. I knew that because of the way he penetrated my mind I would never be able to seperate the two acts per my normal nonchalant fashion.
Instead of overanalyzing it to death I just put everything out of my mind. I kept the memory of that night to myself, a secret to be remembered when I had to deal w/ the bullshit of other men. Something that couldn’t be explained to my girlfriends b/c I didn’t know what to tell them. All I knew was that somewhere, under the clutch of darkness I wanted to know what he smelled like. what the hair on his stomach felt like. if he was ticklish behind his knees. I wanted us to cry together broken down by our challenges. pushed beyond any limits we had.