I never thought I would miss you this bad. I never realized that in the course of the email conversations, instant messages and occasionaly phone calls that when I finally saw you, you would become part of me. I needed to hear your voice. Your laugh. The way you whisper when you get excited and the way you wear your intelligence like a belt – there and necessary but not always in the forefront. I missed the way you come up behind me and grab around my waist and how I feel safe and secure.

I tried to get replacements to prevent me from needing you, but the replacements were worst then the problem. Nobody was like you. They didn’t smell like you. Have your baby soft skin, smooth and dark. Your bald head that you loved to have rubbed. They didn’t have your mix of British and Carribean lilts in your voice.

When I slept at night I wanted to stop holding my pillow. I wanted to be holding you. Holding you inside me. you held me even when we made love. i sat in your lap with you inside, you put your arms around me and our tongues danced because neither of us could form a coherant thought. I never felt so wanted, so feminine, so sexy and so connected with someone. you taught me what making love was. i never told you that that first night, that wasn’t sweat on my face. you taught me that it was ok to cry, but i never shared that with you. Every minute was a countdown to when you would have to leave me and that prevented me from living in the moment. I could never fully engage myself. you asked me what was wrong and I lied and said work when it was really you. my fear kept me from telling you this.. When I didn’t know when I would see you again. Everyday got me daydreaming about flying down to the bahamas. the sun on my skin. “I don’t have any furniture,” you said. “It’s ok. All I need is a bed and you”

Slow down you would tell me. My impatience and being an only child meant I was used to getting what I wanted when I wanted it. You would tease me to no end. What used to take 15 mins you would stretch into three hours. You took that one nipple and lavished it with attention. I didn’t know I could come that hard. What you did w/ your tongue and only your tongue on my nipple. The way you rolled it in your mouth. Savoring it as if it was the only part of my body you would get. Even now I get the shakes just thinking about it.

my addiction to all things you just made it worse. all i could think about was the next time i would see you.

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