heartache
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You never knew tears fell behind the wall Maybe you thought that because I was asking about you and remembering all the details of your life Listening Letting you find solace in me You were so wrapped up in my ability to make you comfortable that you thought that I was okay But I suffered
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Never was I into masochism Pain was never my thing Except With you, I had what Merriam Webster so eloquently calls “a taste for suffering” and my suffering must be seasoned with Lawry’s because it feels so damn good and I couldn’t stop partaking of its bitterness Because my imagination kept flagellating itself with pictures
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For years you loved her An internal vision of perfection You felt her You saw her You knew the curve of the finger she would touch your hand with She was the one you imagined and measured every contender against Until me And the glitter of my gift wrap warped her image I was taller, rounder,
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It is all inside my head The feeling you want her instead of me The feeling she sets your heart aflame That you would rather take her home than me That she is getting all your secrets Your smiles Your joy And I get your space and opportunity But it’s all in my head Isn’t it?
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Sometimes it is too raw this loneliness. The exhaustion of having to carry it all myself. Sometimes it is too much. When all I want is to crawl in your lap and envelope ourselves with silence but you exist only in a future memory. Sometimes it is too real. So real I can’t talk because
Wandering & Wondering 